Saturday

I'm going to start carrying around some of those fake blood packs - like they have in movies - they splat them on their bodies to make like a wound. This will save me in awkward situations. Like if I get in trouble at work, I'll splat one of those packs on my forehead - grazed by a stray bullet from a nearby gunfight, I'll say. A bullet came in through the window. They couldn't possibly stay mad at me. I'm hit! Or when I forget somebody's name - SPLAT! Grazed by a stray bullet from a nearby gunfight, I'll say, and they'll forgive me my thoughtlessness. Maybe it could help me negotiate. When I'm buying a used car, splat, shot in the head, hey, gimme a break - and the man will feel sorry, and give me a good rate. When I go into H.R. for a raise . . .

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