comparing how I feel now with how I felt this morning


The meaning (value) of life is all contained on one huge spreadsheet . . . somewhere . . .


When playing videos games, I used to try and kill off only as many bad guys as I had to in order to maintain my existence - I wouldn't clear out the level. I would just roam around the video game world, spending time in different parts of the maze or running in circles or even dancing.

There are so many ghosts swirling around you every second that no one ghost can claim a spot next to you for too long before she or he is caught back up in the swirl. I am working late. Late late. I am the only one here. People leave their little radios on just a mumble in their cubicles, and I hear them on my way to the copier. I get chills. I have walked right through a ghost before. I just knew. Warm and cold at the same time. Definitely alive. Paralyzed by the invisible life I’d walked into. She held me in that spot for a moment. I’d heard her story. It was sad.


Last post for a while. Nothing's really wrong. More details later.


Last week I bought a self help . I was walking through the book store and the title caught me, Excuse Me, Your Life Is Waiting. Or something like that. I’m a sucker for a clever title. (It’s how I land on a lot of cool blogs when going through blog aggregaters and shit - long lists of blogs like the “Most Recently Updated Blog” lists - you know . . . . a good blog title is all you have to go on.) So the title of this self help book caught me. I picked it up and flipped to a random page, and it seemed great. Things I had been thinking about were in there: the amount of time I dwell on little stupid things that happen to me day to day - inconveniences, slights, bumps, rude behavior - I’ve been analyzing my thought routine - how much time I spend thinking about a rude comment a fucker made standing at the printer . . . what it means - the philosophy of it, the ethics, the true meaning - how it reflects on me - HOW DO PEOPLE SEE ME?!?! . . . all the shit I read into these stupid, trivial situations and really run with it and my heart, guts and limbs get all fluttery and before long I am really miserable and I know it is not healthy . . . so . . .I’ve begun to analyze how negative thinking can gain momentum and really become difficult to stop . . . and how it takes root deep in your subconscious - so deep you really don’t realize it is influencing you so profoundly - so deep you can’t do anything to stop it immediately. It takes time and effort to halt it and reverse it. So . . . this book was kind of touching on these things - things I’d been thinking of already so I said hell yeah and bought it. Well it turned out to be this horse shit about magnetic waves and attracting negative events by being in a bad mood and how there is scientific evidence to prove that if you are frowning, you will definitely bounce a check that day . . . I mean I could see it if she meant it figuratively, but she sited some bullshit source, some so called scientists or whatever pseudo science ‘managing her energy’ using the force, drinkin soda with Yoda, Mr. Miaggi A.K.A. Arnold from Happy Days. . . plus the writing was absolutely horrible . .. she moved way too slowly from example to example - dwelling too long on dumb shit . .. It sucked. I got fed up with it, and I left sitting there on the metro train. Maybe somebody will find it useful. So this week I bought a wilderness survival guide! Another one . . . I’m into books like these because I find it fascinating :::: what plants are edible, and how to make shelters out of branches and rocks and mud, and how to find water and make fire . . . and it has diagrams of traps you can spring on small animals so that you can eat them ! ! !


The training for my current job went as follows:

“Where ever you see question marks, fill in answers. Go get ‘em, Tiger!”


I can't even read my own mind.