...inquiring minds blown


My Latest Guerilla Self Promotion

You know those books in the reference section of the library that have biographies of historically significant Americans? The ‘Who’s Who of American History’ volumes. I grabbed a slip of paper and wrote my own entry and tucked it into the volume where it belongs (alphabetically).

One of the things I said about myself is that I am not famous, I’m jealous.

It was probably the first time the book had been moved in thirty years - when I reached up and grabbed it to insert my bio. They have more than one biographical set of volumes like that. That book probably won’t move for another thirty years. Not until the Friends of the Library Book Sale in the year 2037. Maybe somebody will buy the whole set of volumes, and they’ll leaf through each one maybe. Then they’ll see my bio.


. . . facing the fact that by most 'normal person' standards, I lead a pretty sad life. But I have all this time left, and I'm pretty healthy. And I like writing. I like leaving notes in unexpected places. I do.


Some people can not function under normal circumstances. Normal is too normal. When it seems that there is every opportunity for things to go well - their environment is safe, stable and sane - they still fret and stress and fuss, and they find peril or invent it or reach out for some trouble or sadness or madness. It’s like that ‘warrior during peacetime’ theme. With these people, you think about it and come to the conclusion that these people belong in a disaster area.

Maybe with me, I shouldn’t be looking for a particular job or region or climate. Maybe I should be thinking about average relative adversity, not average relative humidity. Temperment not temperature. I pick all the flowers in pretty meadows, and I lay them all over the grave yard.


I could make my book myself. I could bring it to the library. I could make friends with the librarian and ask that he watch out for my book (maybe slip him a few bucks). Don’t let anybody throw my book away, okay? This is my life - all the best parts of it. My life has to mean something. I can’t let my story get lost. I have to leave documentation of myself, my journal, my story, my family’s story. Please. Let me keep my book in your library.

I’ll go all over the country making deals like this with librarians.


Freestyle not hostile, standoffish... not armed standoff'ish. Just say hi - it's easy, coincidence is the religion, maybe, the luck. Saving up for plastic surgery, drunk driving takes practice.


Do you remember when I let you read my poem, and you didn’t laugh in my face? You can do better than most by simply refusing to advise. Buy and wear only quiet shoes, you said. You were so wise and funny that day. When the man wants to wipe his butt with your paycheck, it’s time to get direct deposit.

* * *

Automate and consolidate - When they invent a time machine, you can go up and down through your lifetime time continuum - recruiting the best possible you’s - a staff of you's. Time travel will make the work of human resource professionals very difficult. Cops too.

* * *

And now you don't call. With a rapidly deteriorating memory, I hold all that you said, and I reexamine it. What did I miss?



Astronaut women never fight over me.


The place where I’m temping has just hired me. I should be thrilled, I guess. Hey - it’s more money, and I get healthcare and free college if I want (what to study... hmm). This is my routine. I do these temp jobs, and sometimes they want to hire me (sometimes they don’t want to hire me [or they really really don’t want to hire me]). I work there a while, and then I then I quit. Whatever. I’m free to do what I want.

So far, the following companies have hired me (or wanted to) while I was temping for them, I mention only these for a reason:

Amerigroup - Medical info tech or something - reports guy, basically - I ran queries and did reports
Verizon - reports guy, basically
Burke & Herbert Bank - Administrative Aid in security/fraud or whatever
Union Labor Life Insurance Company - claims and then proposal writer

And now, here I am again - going permanent at Brand X Company. At any one of these places, I could have made a career. I tell you - I’m going to write a book one day called A Slacker’s Guide to Getting By - because a slacker can get by. I tell you this too: There ARE jobs out there - all kinds of jobs. You might not find them right away, and they might not seem great at first, but if you’re looking hard enough for work, you’ll find it. And really - it’s what you make of it. And really - you get out of it what you put into it. My last job, at Union Labor Life, I really started to get into it and bust my ass and really really like the people I was working with, and I was lucky to have the coolest bosses in the world... but... the time came, conditions changed, and I headed out. Florida. I always had wanted to try Florida. My girlfriend got her dream job there. So I went. But... Florida sucks. (So far.)
I guess those tornados jumped right over us, or they skirted to the north of us here in Eustis: orlandosentinel.com/damagemap. We got some wicked storms here. Like idiots, we tried to sleep through it. I should get one of those storm radios that comes on and wakes you like an alarm clock when there's crazy weather coming. I guess it was a series of tornados, the worst of which hit Paisley, Florida - 17.8 miles away (by road). Paisley is northeast of us, and Lady Lake, Florida is southwest of us. So we're lucky. The system traveled right through here, over us or barely north of us, from the southwest to the northeast. I think that one little finger of a tornado zapped this abandonned old liquor store around the corner - it looks pretty thrashed. Maybe it was straight wind damage.

The following may seem insensitive or hypersensitive, but I'm going to go ahead and say it: FEMA got here yesterday, Saturday. The tornados happened Friday morning - like 4am. As you might have noticed from the above wiki entry about Paisley, the population is 97.41% White. Lady Lake is 95.32% White. This is Brother Bush's old state. Starting to catch my meaning? How long did it take FEMA, or anybody, to get to New Orleans?

Anyway, what's going on now... floods in Indonesia? Our planet is getting mad at us.


NOTES [*quack*]:

-I think we really do need aluminum foil hats. (And aluminum foil cup supporters.)

-I don’t have cable TV, right, so I have to rely on the faint signal that my little rabbit ear antenna receives. Every time I open up my laptop, the signal on my TV goes fuzzy. [Is the phrase ‘electronic interference’ simply a less frightening terminology used to refer to radiation...?] And somehow the internet has leapt from its wires and into my iBook... and other people’s songs are now appearing in my iTunes application. ...and you know how when you leave your cell phone sitting next to your computer at work - and you get a call or a text message - and you hear this weird, critical mass, eminent death by radioactivity sound?

U.S. Patent No. 3,951,134 (issued Apr. 20, 1976) “Apparatus for and method of sensing brain waves at a position remote from a subject whereby electromagnetic signals of different frequencies are simultaneously transmitted to the brain of the subject in which the signals interfere with . . .”

...miasma of signal and electronic interference. . . Finally, we are unable to go outside at all. If you step outside, your brain activity and self control will be washed away like a flashlight beam at noon, washed away by waves and waves of signal and interference in the outside air. So we just sit at home, in the middle of the floor, in copper cages singing songs to each other.


I was sitting in traffic the other day breathing in exhaust fumes... I wanted to open my window and scream at everybody in traffic with me: All you fuckers know you're going to get cancer from these fumes, right? I already know I'll get cancer [heredity], I'm just telling all of you! I just don't know how the environmentalist message will ever penetrate the brains out there when all the brains out there are marinated with the cruisin life style. I'm nothing without my car. My car defines me. It sooo defines me... let's go cruisin' ...and the way our world is now designed, you can't get anywhere without a car - unless you're in a major major metro.

If the fumes don't get ya, the other drivers will. The way some people drive - they should just drive to a prison and ask that they be let in.

The little roadside memorials - crosses with little Teddy bears that mark the site where somebody wrecked their car and died . . . they don't slow anybody down.

The two biggest health risks: drivin and drivin

* * * * *

And because I am trying to completely bum you out - just to finish you off: When my mom died, a couple of days later, Frank Sinatra died. Back when my brother died, a few days later, Princess Dianna died. There are all kinds of memory triggers - that bring back those hard times - songs, obviously - movies, I guess - headlines... but celebrity deaths too? Not sure what famous person died when my dad died. Not sure what that means either.