Saturday - I had nothing to do, so I ended up here. I had been in the book store, but I became bored there. I decided to leave, but I had nowhere to go, so I decided to walk all the way around the mall. I ended up in front of this sealed off storefront. I don’t even know what store this was. I just stood there for a while. For some reason, this situation seemed to have meaning...or...anti-meaning.

I started to wonder: What difference does it make where you spend your Saturdays?

I don’t know why my brain stalled on this question. I have plenty of things I like to do on Saturdays. I could go to a park. I could roam around some more. I could go to the gym. I could start an early drinking binge. I could call somebody. But I kept asking that question: What difference does it make what I do? Really! Why does one activity have more value or meaning than standing right here in this spot? Why do I need to do anything? For some reason, at that moment, I could not answer that question. I was frozen.

Did standing in that spot make me happy? Not really. Would hiking in a park, drinking, exercising - would any of those make me happy? Maybe. I started to wonder whether it mattered if I was happy. Would my pursuit of happiness be a waste of time. Is time mine to waste? Am I an eligible judge of what is a waste of time and what is a worthwhile use of time?

Some day I’ll die, I reminded myself. That seemed relevant at the moment.

Then I thought, wow, this is kind of dumb. People are using the entrance to JC Penny nearby, and I’m taking photos of an entrance to a store that isn’t even open anymore. (I had to go get my camera and come back - to illustrate the true absurdity here). So I got back in my car and drove home. I changed clothes and went to the gym.


PoisOn CoAtEd ELiXir said...

i envy your power of pulling yourself out.

Pacian said...

There are no objective answers to that question. Do what makes you happiest.