Thursday

Lately, the highlights of my days - my nights, I mean, are the short walks to the dumpster to take my trash out.  As I walk, I stare up at the stars.  It's really clear out.  The stars are so bright.  I feel connected with the whole universe and it gives me great perspective. 

I read a couple of articles about the solar system around Epsilon Eridani.  Supposedly it's pretty similar to our solar system.  You know what I'm going to say next, right?  Of course:  Maybe there's some guy on a planet in the Epsilon Eridani solar system taking his trash out across the parking lot looking up at his skies, looking right at me as I take out my trash, looking right at him.

Saturday



I'm at work trying to knock out masses of tasks when I get a call from Fedex - my shipment was set up improperly by the Fedex Kinkos store guy, and they’re going to send it back - mementos and gifts from our wedding...too much stuff to lug onto the plane.

I'm at work trying to knock out masses of tasks when I get a call from Comcast - they want to give me cable TV. The internet-only package I currently have, apparently, costs more than their new internet + cable package. A couple weeks before, they'd disconnected my internet by mistake...and a couple weeks before that too.



I'm standing in a bar a couple nights before my wedding - a guy steps up beside me and puts one hand on my chest and one hand on my back and tries to toss me out of the way, saying, "ExCUse me."



In the rental car we rented for the wedding weekend, we found the funeral bulletin for a woman named Sylvia. The people who rented the car September 13th left it under the seat, and it finally slid out.



The reasons and circumstances involved in other people's contacts with you...that seem random to you...but which may be deliberate...as deliberate as we humans are able to define...or more so...or less so...I was going somewhere with this...but now I don't know where I'm going with this.

Wednesday

My morbidly curious side wonders how bad this economic meltdown could get. I mostly doubt that it will cause much of a disturbance in my life, but you just wonder: how bad could it get. Will the atm machines just stop spitting out money? Will unemployment go up to 25 percent like it did during the depression? Could it get worse? Will there be major interruptions in utilities? Commerce? I was wondering what the best items would be to use for units of commerce in the barter system that inevitably will emerge. What will we trade? Cigarette lighters would be good. Or building materials: nails, boards, bricks -nah- too bulky. Food items, of course...nonperishable. Batteries. Or could we trade our labor? People who can cut hair will cut hair. People who can build - they’ll build for you (for a fee). What could I offer? Maybe gangs will form...not necessarily malicious gangs - but folks who know each other and look out for each other. Where will we all live? Will we all become squatters? They won’t be able to monitor and patrol all the empty houses and units and warehouses and facilities...etc...we’ll all be squatters.

Saturday

Who was it who first explained death to me? Was it my mom? She might have told me about it during one of our many conversations during the day...while my dad was at work...and we drifted from department store to department store...or we just sat on the porch. She's the one who told me about our dog, Wolf, getting killed by the mailman's jeep. That's the first time I ever cried about death.

Or was it my dad who told me about death? He explained all sorts of phenomena: scientific things, mechanics, engineering, war, history, sports...

Or was it my sister? If so, I wouldn't have believed her. I would have worried that she was trying to pull a fast one on me. "Some day, you die."

"Will not."

"Will too."

"Will not."

How did this belief in death get so solidified? What about my beliefs in Santa and God?

I have seen quote unquote dead people. Were they faking? I have seen movies where people get killed in gruesome, convincing ways. It's just a movie. I have seen people here one day and then gone the next, and they haven't come back yet. People say that they died. Did they really just wander off?
In my readings lately about getting my mind right, I’ve seen a recurring idea. These books about anxiety management and anger management and Buddhist wisdom - they assume that there is an inner happiness in all people...and that anger and anxiety and other negative emotions are just temporary and minor deviations from the foundation of happiness which is there and which has always been there.

I’m not so sure.

I was trying to tally up all of my times, viewing all of the periods of my life. ...grade school, junion high, high school, college, full-time in the workforce. When I view these periods of my life, it’s hard to remember whether I was mostly happy or mostly sad - minute to minute, hour to hour. It’s hard to remember whether I ever had a default happiness mode.