Thursday

His girlfriend kept asking me for my painkillers whenever he left the room, "Come on Bobby, gimme a pill. Gimme a pill." Every time he left the room: to take a leak, to get us more beers, to do whatever -- every time, the girlfriend: "gimme a pill gimme a pill." It was very awkward. I just smiled and said, "I don't know I don't know I don't know."

He had told me that this girl had once had a very serious drug problem - with a very serious drug. What was I going to do? Give her pills? Hell no. And anyway I needed the goddam things for my separated shoulder, for bona fide pain -- this was a legitimate prescription. Plus, I didn't like how freakin pushy she was being. I was starting to realize that I really did not get this girl. At all. Every time I hung out with them she would talk everybody to death about real estate. Loudly. Loud enough to cause pains in my skull.

But regarding him: He could have been my best friend. We had just about everything in common. We met while playing soccer at the YMCA. I couldn't possibly bring myself to tell him what happened with her, her practically begging me for my pills. I mean, I could have told him, I guess, but it all would have blown up badly. So I just decided to avoid the both of them. But I keep seeing him at the YMCA all the time and at the bookstore. I just keep walkin. Bad, huh?

Saturday

VID00246

Just keep asking: What is going through my head? What is going through my head? What is going through my head? And you will see what is going through your head, and these things will diminish like smoke as the breeze of your inquiry nudges these things along...and soon you are asking: What is going through my head? What is going through my head? What is going through my head? - - And there's nothing. Nothing but that question. And then the question goes away. And then you have those perfectly balanced, nothing gaps in brain activity where it's an absolute nothing in your head. Until something else comes and then you again start asking: What is going through my head? What is going through my head? What is going through my head?

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Letting go by actually pondering the definition of 'letting go' and engaging directly in it, as you have just defined it: "Letting go means not holding onto this or that. Not holding on to this or that means your mind is not engaged with something from minutes ago, it is observing what is coming in right now: it is observing the stiffness in the back, it is observing the sound of the car motor down the street, it is observing the refrigerator compressor turning on. Letting go means not hanging on. Letting go frees me to observe what is happening RIGHT NOW. Letting go means your mind is a tunnel that things flow through, things do not become encased, they flow through and are gone, they may cycle back through, but then they are gone again. Define very clearly what letting go is and do it. Sometimes, if you repeat the words "Let go let go let go," the words start to loose their meaning, and your just saying the words and the clutter in your head remains and these words are there with the clutter. If you keep your mind on what letting go is...If you have let go, you are now observing the new things that occur because your mind is not occupied by the thing that you let go of. Whatever that was.