Under current conditions, sleep is a seriously hot commodity to me. I just ain't getting enough of it. Some nights there is a reason for no sleep. Some nights there is not.

Tonight (this early morning) there is no good reason for me not to be sleeping. It's just stress. My brain is raising every negative point it can think of, and it is steadily streaming this stuff for me.

I have to step back and determine this: Is this something I want? Do I want to bombard myself with negative crap all the time? Do I really have a choice? Can I choose otherwise? Sometimes the negative crap is there. Sometimes it is not. Why does it descend on me at certain times? ...usually when I'm trying to sleep...

What's the solution? Do I need to think through it? Or do I need to stop all the thinking and let go? Or is there some magical combination of thinking/not thinking?

Sometimes I just lay there and meditate. Or, I try to. Sometimes the thoughts just flood in too hard, it seems, for mediation. So I meditate on that. I meditate on this flood of thoughts: what is it, why does it come...

I think it descends on me in the mornings because I'm half asleep and haven't had time to get my mind going, get my 'defenses' up. Why do I need defenses all the time though?


Near misses with disaster, other people's disasters, implied disasters and a lens that is stuck focused on stupid stuff, a head jammed in a stupid-head mode, a severe perceived time deficit -these are just a few of my least favorite things lately - - but all these things serve as a reminders that brains is like a garden, constantly in need of care...or like an automobile needing maintenance now and then. My Maintenance Required light is on, but it ain't serious.

I have to check in on my mind every now and then. I have to check and see how it's doing. Is it rattling around inside its four walls rambling and fuming? Is it creating a bunch of goofy shit? Is it giving energy to a bunch of ghost trouble? Or is it seated nice and calm on a cushion, empty of all negative crap, connected to the world by not trying to exist separately?

So I'm slowing down today to check in on my mind...listening to slow music...watching the right videos and enjoying cool temperatures and breezes resulting from a nearby hurricane that won't hit here.


Evil Spirits or Something

At first I thought somebody was smoking dope. I was standing in this little spiritual bookstore that I go to sometimes, just browsing. I smelled smoke - some kind of twangy smoke - while I was standing at a bookshelf. I looked over, and the store clerk was walking around with a bundle of smoldering sage. She was going around the store, waving this big, honkin doobie-looking bundle of burning sage - waving it all around and jamming it into corners, reaching on tip-toes - making sure she didn't miss any spots.

Then a guy came out, I think he's one of the owners. He asked her what the hell she was doing. She said that a customer had called the store and said that something 'bad' or 'evil' had followed her home and gotten into her home. She could feel it, the customer. The customer said she was pretty sure that this evil presence or following or whatever - she was pretty sure that it followed her home from the bookstore. So the store clerk was smoking it out with burning sage.

I was going to offer some commentary, but a bunch of weird shit just happened around my apartment, no shit. Ants. I mean, I knew there was a slight ant problem here...but... The timing. And an ant just crawled out on my screen.

I had this one donut in a donut box on the counter that I was looking forward to eating. I just took a break from typing this goofy post to go get that donut, and there were ten zillion ants all over it. Fuck! Evil.