Tuesday

Sleep

Under current conditions, sleep is a seriously hot commodity to me. I just ain't getting enough of it. Some nights there is a reason for no sleep. Some nights there is not.

Tonight (this early morning) there is no good reason for me not to be sleeping. It's just stress. My brain is raising every negative point it can think of, and it is steadily streaming this stuff for me.

I have to step back and determine this: Is this something I want? Do I want to bombard myself with negative crap all the time? Do I really have a choice? Can I choose otherwise? Sometimes the negative crap is there. Sometimes it is not. Why does it descend on me at certain times? ...usually when I'm trying to sleep...

What's the solution? Do I need to think through it? Or do I need to stop all the thinking and let go? Or is there some magical combination of thinking/not thinking?

Sometimes I just lay there and meditate. Or, I try to. Sometimes the thoughts just flood in too hard, it seems, for mediation. So I meditate on that. I meditate on this flood of thoughts: what is it, why does it come...

I think it descends on me in the mornings because I'm half asleep and haven't had time to get my mind going, get my 'defenses' up. Why do I need defenses all the time though?

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