Monday

As Sour as I Was When I Started

Am I just as sour as I was when I started? It all started when I realized I was getting way too pissed off at other drivers. This is back when I had that hour commute....and all that time to think. This is back in 2007 I think, or 2008. I read a tall stack of anger management books, writings on depression, anxiety books, i'm okay you're okay and the like, emotional iq, blah blah psychology stuff, Buddhist writings...a lot of it. That's all I read for a while there. Has it done me any good? Did it do me good for a while and then stop doing me good? Did I overdo it? Am I in a temporary funk? Am I good on some levels, but I never did fully lick that road rage thing? My soul is okay, but I'm still a grouch on some levels. No visible change, but underneath, I'm grand? Or.... Still depressed. Still anxious. Am I locked on negative stuff, identifying with it...my LETTING GO valves are clogged. Sometimes it seems like I've made no progress. Or maybe it is this: I lapse. I lapse, and due to the progress I made before, I recover quicker. Or something. Don't know what. You never do away with that negative stuff, I know. But. Why am I sitting here thinking about it and typing about it... Why did I feel the urge to type this?

Lately I'm into this guy below, and maybe the whole problem (or appearance of a problem)is this: It's like other times when I really stirred up my spiritual stuff...it shakes a lot of stuff loose. Anyway, yes, typing all this stuff is already making me feel better. This blog has always been and will continue to be my dumping ground for garbage in my brains. And my place for personal reminders to myself or anybody who cares to read em: Sometimes you need to revisit the old lessons. Sometimes you find a new source or teacher that rehashes old lessons but who brings new stuff, shaking the whole thing up in your head....


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