Tuesday

Driving NORTH soon

Tomorrow or the next day or in some blurry time area between the two, I will make the trek up the mighty I-95 River to North Carolina to see my sister and her branch of family. On my drive, I will see some of the same people from some of the same cars and trucks as we pass each other over and over and see each other at the rest stops. I will find each NPR affiliate in each listening area with ease. I will probably catch some of the wild southern radio preachers for a few minutes at a time when the drive gets anxious or dull. It's an eight or nine hour drive, but I have to stop a lot or my back will be hurting. It will be great to see everybody. I will re-think my current situation in Florida no doubt, and entertain all kinds of ideas about everything. I'll drink lots of coffee for sure. I'll eat a lot.

Thursday

It's 4:07 am. I've been up for half an hour I guess. The only light is coming off this monitor I'm looking at, watching my typings appear on. There's a little cat meowing somewhere in the dark by my feet. If I put my hand down, she'll surely sniff it and rub against it until I pet her. I could cry about work, but what's the use. I could cry about a crazy relationship that I think just ended, but what's the use. I'm going to be tired at work later, yikes. I've been maxing out the caffeine like a fiend.

Two nights ago I went to this Eckart Tolle reading group, and it's about as positive an experience as I have had in...what...ten years? I love to exaggerate and all, but yeah, it was great. People shared insights and stories inspired by their reading of Eckhart Tolle. A cool thing that happened was: when nobody had anything to say, nobody said anything. It was not awkward. It was perfect. We would kind of meditate on the last thing that was said or just be in that gap in between talkies...that silent, still gap between the talkies. At the beginning of the meeting, the 'guidelines' were read, and one of them that I remember was (roughly): be mindful of why it is that you are speaking. Are you ego trippin, showing what a smarty pants you are (essentially), or is what you are contributing a true contribution to the flow we got going here... I will definitely go back if they'll have me. They're throwing a party, matter of fact, and I think I'll go.

Sunday

Going shorter and shorter on the haircuts. Will soon be anonymous and bald. Two birthdays I will not be observing this month, and I hate to do my calendar like that, but letting go is letting go. Hurts, but opens up the world to something bigger. I guess. Or. Things rot. Anyways: Music to the rescue today. I was in a hick-ass music store(forgive me), and I found a super terrific find, but I let my friend be the one who claimed it. I'll just listen to it when I hang with him. He likes em more than I do anyway, but I was really really liking this video I saw by them this afternoon on youtube (below). Also, music came to my rescue when I made a sudden turn off on the Kaley Ave exit to hit up Orlando Brewing, where some great and awesome Irish Music was being fiddled and picked. Every second Sunday like that. The music was sooo great, and I horsed around with anonymous other random drunks and knuckleheads who I sometimes see here and there and sort of recognize more and more the more I circulate.

Friday

Target: Furniture, Baby, Electronics, Toys

I was in Target the other night and I had a bad case of the can't stop drummin, can't stop struttin, almost even dancin...bobbing up and down pushing my big red Target cart. The emotion/feeling blobs that were bubbling in my bloods were: terror, exuberance, hilarity. It was a weird way to feel - in Target - it was a weird way to be, in America. I needed toothpaste. I grabbed other items, though, because I was there. It felt like people were observing my odd demeanor butyouknowwhatfuckdat. Work is hard. Life is hard. When I get confused or scared or pissed, I just go: “Okay, what’s next? What’s next? Next task, what is it, so I can crush it, what am I doing next: do do do.” Like that. And forget all this self-help crap dammit. It should all be muscle memory by now. It is. I just dance a little. I try to bring it back to the awareness only. Who is it who hears? Who sees? Who feels? Who's doing all the seeing? Who's feeling you up? Not the I. No. Or. I is the awareness. I am the awareness. Either that, or that is total horse shit. And that is very possible. I've been thinking a lot about identity. Am I adding experiences to the basket that is me? Or is that stupid. Do I really have no identity at all? Or am I full of all kinds of me. These words use exageration to get your momentum going I think. They might be holy words, but they exagerate.