Sunday

There are a zillion things I want to blog about, but I hesitate. I hesitate for reasons that you probably are aware of if you have a blog. There's so much that's happened lately in my life lately, but I haven't posted about it.

The main thing is: A guy I knew killed himself. This happened a while ago, but I didn't want to say anything (not here) for various reasons.

You never know what kind of struggles are going on inside a person.

When I heard what happened, I went through a lot of emotions, a lot of depression, a bit of anger, a lot of guilt. What if I had asked the guy, "Hey man, lets go get a beer or something." But.

The guy was very skillful and cool. Very quiet though. He was a sneak smoker, kind of hanging back in the shadows when he smoked. I think he was on and off trying to quit like I am. (I'm smoking again...so so stupid...slowly killing myself.)

The guy would catch me off guard and say something screamingly funny...out of nowhere. He had lots of heart and spirit. Others sensed he was kind of redlined out. He could be pretty caustic, dismissive. Angry. I didn't know him long enough to know what his baseline was, though. 'Is this how this guy is all the time? Or is he going through something?'

First I heard that he disappeared. I thought he had just given Florida the finger and he bounced - without leaving a forwarding address or messages. Some time later though, I found out he had taken his own life. Hearing that caused lots of crying and shock.

There seemed to be a lot of parallels between this guy and me. I've never considered suicide, I've seen images of suicide happening. I don't summon these images. I'd never act on them. I've always said it: I'm too curious (maybe morbidly so sometimes)...too curious to see what will happen. And I have a lot of hope for mankind and for me and for me as part of mankind.

I guess the best you can do: Is do the best you can do to be kind and inviting and inclusive of anybody, no matter how dismissive or cold or taciturn or whatever they seem. Give them an invitation, and keep it an open invitation: Invite them to keep going and join in with the rest of the world, even if it's through the tiny gateway you as an individual can provide. Don't respond with coldness. Don't respond with bitterness. Keep an open door. Give them an option, give them every opportunity to connect and stay with us if they can.

Saturday

A few people have asked what my job is like lately, and I told them: The biggest adjustment to my job was this: Before, when I didn't know how to do something, it was a temporary pain in the ass. I usually knew exactly how to do everything and there was the work- just do it. Now, that state where I don't know how to do anything: that's my every day all day. Each day I have to do something new. It's never boring, but the unknowns can make ya anxious. Anyway, who cares.

I'm off til the 1/9/2013. I've had my decompression period already. Gonna chill out and roam. Gonna drive to Virginia New Years Day if I'm not too hungover. Gonna try not to be too hungover, but there is a party to be at.

I'm going to resolve to get out of this cave more this year. Just out. All kinds of places to go, events to attend. Feeling purdy gooood.

Wednesday

A lot of spiritual advice seems to go to extremes or propose extreme ideas.

Your consciousness came before everything else...everything else owes its existence to your consciousness.

But: There was stuff here before I was born. (Is this body that sits here typing this stuff - is it really just a container that clear awareness was poured into...a glass that will crack one day, spilling its contents out - so it can evaporate back into everything - - never having left, never having been created?)

'I don't exist.'...the 'I' ...'me'- does not exist. You are part of everything. You are everything. (Am I really a part of everything and everyone? Even you?)

But: I have a license and a job and a desk where I sit at work and a social security number and a body and so on. If I make a mistake at work, my ass gets chewed.

I am afraid to ask spiritual seekers questions about these basics. I'm afraid they'll all laugh at me.

Or do these words exaggerate on purpose - trying to push you as far as you'll go toward that unattainable perfections...

Although: Sometimes when my mind really empties out, I do feel like I'm not there. I do feel sort of like I've melted into the background, melted into the surroundings, integrated assimilated... Is this where/how I should be? Is this it? More and more I notice these interludes. More and more, things that used to touch me can't touch dis. More and more - less and less. The bad mind stuff goes away, but I've been wondering if there's some joy coming. As I type all this, I feel like all of it is wrong. It's just exercise for my fingers...I might as well be banging away on a keyboard, like a casio or a toy piano - instead of banging useless keystrokes that create dopey letters on a blog nobody reads. (Woah is me (the not-me).)

There's got to be a middle path in all this. I don't know.

I have been watching videos from conscious.tv for several days straight. I'm sure a regular conscious.tv viewer would be able to come along and shred my blog post to bits. Moreover, I'm sure that for me to sit here and think about my blog post getting shredded - this could probably be shredded. So, once again, I have found the perfect time to stop typing and click the 'Publish' button.

Sunday

Happy Holidays!

Endless Stories

With some TV shows, you start to wonder: just how is it that the character gets into so much trouble - just by chance. Weekly. Oh no, the main character got hit by a car this week. By chance. Oh no, the main character ran into a multinational smuggling ring of thugs unloading dope in the alley behind his house this week. By chance. Oh no, the main character got mugged. By chance. I know that the writers have to do this to keep the TV show going, to have weekly story lines -- and you have to suspend some disbelief in order for the TV watchin experience to work out. But. Come on.

But: Stuff like my spin-out last night (described in the post below) - - stuff like that happens. Every so often, something happens in your life that you believe is interesting enough, dramatic enough, to write a blog post about. A little story.

All of this personal drama serves to make the experience of watching old TV shows more palatable, more doable. You start to accept it: Yeah, bad stuff happens in life. Hopefully, not as often as my favorite TV show characters. I'll buy it.

And, anyway, what else I got to do? Just sitting here rockin my 40s...watchin TV shows I've already seen - - old shows you find on Netflix. Okay, I'll suspend loads and loads of disbelief. Why not. Whatever.

I've been on an X Files kick lately. At least with X Files, you know that some freaky shit is going to happen - - because that's the nature of the show.

Spin Out!

Last night on I-4 I spun out! It was about 1:30 am. I was driving up the on-ramp and entering the traffic flow, and suddenly, my back-end started swinging up on the left. It had just started to rain lightly. They say that when it first starts to rain, the oil and dirt on the roadway starts to flow off the road and it's really slick. So my rear-end is coming up on my left and I cut the wheel left to try to compensate. Then it just viciously swung back the other way and I tried again to steer into it. That time, though, I spun all the way around and the car stalled and I'm sitting there facing oncoming traffic. I started the car really quick and drove into the center median to get out of the way. Luckily, there was a break in traffic, and I was able to do a U-turn and get it going the right way. Luckily, there was no coppers around to witness this craziness. I'm okay, I think, but I'm kind of rattled. I don't think I was driving too fast or too reckless. It just happened. (Maybe I should slow it down a bit, but if you're not moving fast to get onto I-4, they'll drive right up your buttocks. This being near Daytona and all...they drive pretty fast here. I haven't had a driving incident since high school...back in 1923. I considered myself a pretty good driver. Just goes to show ya...somethin...or not. Right away I started trying to figure out what it meant. Was it a sign, and all that. Is there doom or chaos impending?! But, probably....it's just a thing that happened. If anything, it's a sign to be more careful. Really: it served as a sign to me to stop looking for extra meaning in everything. Or even a sign stop questioning my recent tendency to look for greater meanings in everything. And in the typing of this, and having explained the situation pretty thoroughly, I'm seeing 'signs' that it's time to stop typing this post and wait for the next bloggable personal 'worthwhile' bloggin subject. So okay I will and done.