What I don't understand is: how can you have THAT KIND OF CONNECTION with a person, and then suddenly switch it off. I guess that's my big question. Maybe it meant more to me than it did to you. I guess that's it. It seemed to mean SO much though. To me.

This goes out to more than one person, by the way. And maybe that's part of the problem.

But: Any one of those people, though, could have been THE CONNECTION. The one. But. Each connection failed. One right after another. I'm just observing. I don't really give that much of a fuck. I do and I don't. (I do.) I don't know. It seemed to mean a lot to me. At the time. Even now. it means a lot. I don't know why.

I guess the main factor at this time, the time of this posting I mean, is this: I'm a little drunk. A lot drunk maybe.

Anyway. These thoughts get shaken loose from time to time. But yeah: How do you just switch that shit off? I think there's some kind of deep problem, yo.


Now and then, I think this: Man, my thoughts are stupid. And, maybe this realization is leading to a better 'quality' of thinking. But it's all just thinking. I am trusting my mind less and less (again) so that I can trust my mind more.

When I sit and consider what I'm thinking, when I first focus my attention on the thoughts I'm thinking, right away, a space opens up with nothing in it. It's empty. So then I rewind, I think back to what I was thinking before the space. Then I realize: This is too much thinking.

Thoughts come, and I don't shoo them away right away. I let em come. But if enough stupid thoughts come, I go, damn, these thoughts are stupid.

I don't know what to think. So I should probably do less thinking.

I wake up early, and I usually lay there for a while, trying for more sleep. I don't really have my good thinking cap on yet - my 'thought detector.' So the thoughts that come during that time are stupid and negative and ancient (ancient to this moment).

If the thoughts really keep the hooks in me - they won't let go - I won't let go - I think about my feet or something. The air on my skin.

It's fun, though, sometimes, to make fun of my thoughts. I realize where my mind goes during certain situations, and it's a goddam trip. It's enough to fill ten seasons of comedy sitcoms.