I did it again. I got too attached to somebody. I got attached, even though there were many warning signs. Among those warning signs were the person's own words of warning: literal and clear.

This is my pattern. I don't know if I want to break this pattern though. I mean: I should probably break the pattern. But, I don't want to be cynical. I mean: I love being cynical. But, I love my own brand of cynical.

I'm clunkin around between spiritual crap and pure heart (as stupid as that sounds and I don't care)...clunkin like a dryer full of auto parts. That sting is real. It's crazy and stupid and I wish I could include my usual thought component: I don't care. I have liquor. I have youtubes fulla videos about presence and awareness and all that shit. I have a tender loving cat. I have a phone full of confusing text messages from various. I got projects going into production and a big happy hour coming. I have nature trails and race tracks.


dianne said...

Everything else in our lives seems so inconsequential when we are in love and we get hurt, nothing else seems to help or matter, the pain just takes over.
I hope you feel better soon, there is nothing wrong with 'pure heart'.
Take care, Dianne
xoxoxo ♡

Anonymous said...

I loved the way you wrote.

Semi True Torystellar said...

I understand where you are. You seem like one of those people who loves with your whole heart. I don't want you to be jaded or cynical any more than I want to be, but....and yes, there is always a but, you can't not be at the expense of your heart. Especially if you see a pattern. It isn't healthy to keep hurting yourself or allowing yourself to be hurt.

laura b. said...

The whole zen thing about not having attachments seems the most difficult step to me. Not having attachments to "things" - okay. Not forming attachments to people - really, really hard.

PAPS said...

Hmm...I guess too much attachment is not healthy but as humans we most of the time end up doing things that are not healthy for us than that are good. Well, that's life I guess. We get out of it and then we forget all about it.

Bobby said...

Thanks dianne. The thing is, there's so much work stuff going on right now too, and yeah, it seems not so important on a guts level.

Thanks andie! I'll have to check your blog out.

Semi True Torystellar: yep, it's like bringing the hand close to that flame, over and over.

Yeah, Laura. That's one of the pieces I'm not getting. It seems to suck the life out of life. I guess 'they' would say be in love with everybody, universal love (too much hurt there), ha.

Yeah, PAPS. Forgetting life's lessons can make the trip a little rocky. Sometimes you wonder if the lessons still apply...or you just ignore past lessons.

Bobby said...

The good thing is: The person is still my friend.