Sunday

Today was not an unusual day for me, a day of awkward and odd interactions and miscommunications and miscues and and apologies and tiny glimpses of sublime something or whatever...and extended thinking about my patterns and other standard stuff for half-crazy me.

I texted my neighbor a couple hours ago, "that was a shot right?"

Outside, I heard a firecracker or a shot, but I was thinking it was a shot.

"What?" he responded, an hour later.

"Earlier," I said.

"Nah," he said.

We do hear shots sometimes, we agree...some yahoo with a shotgun across the lake, the lake through the woods behind us. This is not a high crime area at all, and our complex management has even hired a security guard who I am afraid of who drives slowly in an SUV with more colored lights than Christmas. It made me think of other scary sounds from outside that I have heard while inside, lately, twice in the last couple of months, my coworkers and I have heard horrifying slams on breaks, screeches and subsequent crunches on the street outside. One time, it was a lady from another department of our company who pulled out of the parking lot in front of some BMW and got hit. She was okay. Everybody was okay.

Back to today and away from those extended thoughts and memories, today I was running around with a friend who I always get into weird goofy non-dangerous situations with. Today he wanted to take me to some place he thought was a park, but it was actually a reservation-required convention/retreat/compound sort of thing...but he was determined to enjoy this piece of America, so we got out of the car and started walking around.

"There is a sequestered retreat going on here today," said a lady with a tense face who hustled up to us as soon she spotted us. We said okay okay okay and started to leave...and I was getting bitten up by bugs anyway...but my friend had a business call he said he had to make right then and there and he didn't give a shit if they came and hassled us some more so I went and sat in the car. A mosquito got in the car when I got in, and I was trying to quick, open the door and shoo him out, and shut the door before allowing more mosquitoes in, but I was having no success, and the mosquito was the quickest one I've ever encountered, and I could neither swat him nor shoo him out, but I continued my efforts until my friend came and drove us out of there. The only way to get rid of mosquitoes in a situation like that is to start driving and put the windows down and let em get sucked out by the draft.

We made jokes about how the place was most definitely a cult compound as we drove off premises past a sand volleyball court and tennis court. We made about six wrong turns or missed turns on the way to and from the place because I was the one navigating.

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Today I texted a bit with a very stressed out person, an oncology nurse who I've been texting with lately. She was about to go into work another hellish night with people who are in the most terrifying part of their lives. She had only gotten four hours sleep between her last shift and this shift she was about to start.

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Today I looked up at an airplane and mumbled to myself, "Look at that airplane celebrating the sky." While I was looking up, I saw the top of this tall pine tree, and the needles were really shining in the sun. I was smoking a cigarette, and I got light headed, so I went and sat down. There were filter tips on the ground from those little cigars they make blunts out of, and my friend said, Yeah, he sits out here and smokes blunts all the time, and various women come and go, visiting him.

Around that time I drove home because I was feeling sick. I started to feel better after a few sips of an energy drink so I stopped and got my head mildly buzzed at Hair Cuttery. I probably left too big of a tip because of the lady who cut my hair and so on, and I felt stupid.

I got home to a lonely cat and a busted dvd player --no TV-- a blackout which I have half-enjoyed for the last week or so. I have an unfinished letter to my sister I must finish and mail...or just mail...because the letters are never finished. I read the ten year old blog archives of a dude who is one of my great great heroes and friends online...from all the way back at the beginning of my blogging days to the present day.

Friday

Two Items

First: Today at work, during our Friday lunch party, somebody logged on netflix and started playing Cheers episodes on The Big Monitor. It was cool, except that it threw me. Cheers has been my salvation from this job. Ever since I first started this hard ass job, when things didn't look so good, I could always come home to Cheers. Or, I could wake up in the morning with Cheers. Cheers is one of the funniest shows ever made! I have recently completed my viewing of every single one of them on netflix. In a way, I don't like that they watched my favorite show - at work -- the show I watch to take my mind off of work. Another great show was Night Court, so I found a clip with that dude from that show.



Second: I got a wrong number text. It was a south New Jersey guy, trying to reach some girl. The following is the transcript, starting with his first message. I didn't know if I knew anybody in the 609 area code, like if maybe this was somebody I knew, but forgot I knew...but it turned out to be somebody I didn't know:

HIM: Morning Sexy!
ME: Good morning! Right number? Who you trying to reach? Thanks for calling me sexy though...
HIM: Lol. Its my pleasure.. Im Derek, is this Dana?
ME: Nah, ha, sorry
HIM: Oh my apologies.. My mistake! Whats ur name?

HIM AGAIN: Hey everything happens for a reason..Are u a female?
ME: I'm a dude, dude. So tell me about this Dana. Ha. Just kidding. I am a dude though.

Wednesday

An unfortunate misunderstanding during an already tense time, a misunderstanding that occurs right at the worst possible moment in tense times -- this kind of misunderstanding can...really suck. It seems like the resulting disaster is a direct result of that one dumb thing that happened. Somebody's gun accidentally goes off on one side of a border between two rival countries ...stuff like that. I just now googled: "most tragic misunderstandings in history" ...I didn't find shit exactly but I'm sure there are numerous examples of this ...that have occurred on a large scale. It happens all the time on interpersonal levels (duh, why am I writing this). We want to sort situations out, and we look for a single cause, but things were already tense.
Good morning. I woke up feeling like you can only believe about a quarter of what people say to you. Maybe an eighth. I saw a Ted Talk about how lying is so engrained in our communications, that it's not about determining whether someone is lying, it's how the lie fits into your strategy for deciphering information you receive. We learn to lie as infants, the Ted Talk said (I'll try to research and find the link). Obviously we lie. We lie in business and we lie in interpersonal business. Sometimes, though, the meanings that we invent, when we see the meaning bent or ignored, it 'seems' like a lie. It's not really a lie though. blah blah blah

Saturday



This is what you see from my balcony. I checked before I shot this, because it would be creepy to look over and see me with my cam pointed at you...I feel a little weird posting this anyway ...even though I made sure nobody was there at first. This shoot had to be done in order to illustrate the points I intend to make in my blog post. I don't know what those points will be, but I'm overcome lately with the impulse to write blog post after blog post and show up on stranger's blogs and comment there too.

No, I think the point I started with was going to be something about my neighbors and my community. Looking at this video, I realize our balconies could remind a person of cell blocks in a prison...like if you'd ever been in prison - or seen one on TV (I fall into the latter category, I promise).

I heard the property manager showing the unit on the first floor to interested renters. This place has quite a turnover.

I've only made neighborly introductions via the the space between balconies on two occasions: One guy, George, was an EMT. He was a divorced dad who ended up renting here after the divorce went down. He apologized in advance for the noise his kids would be making on the balcony, when he had his custody on weekends. I assured him it would be fine, and I told him I was glad to meet him.

The other guy seemed a little weirded out by me saying hello to him from my balcony as he stood on his balcony. I was sitting on my balcony with my other neighbor. It was really late, and she was being goofy and loud. I'm sure the guy across could hear us and see us. She burst out laughing at some point, I don't remember why...So I said hi to the guy across the way...hoping that he wouldn't think we were over here laughing at him for some reason... I don't know why I cared or thought he would think this ...or why I thought my saying hi would alleviate the imagined situation. He just said...um...hi...or whatever.

Why am I writing all this? I don't know. But I do know that the current tenant of the third floor unit sends her dog out to the balcony to pee and sometimes poop! It is horrifying. The pee runs off the balcony and drops three floors and hits the ground there. Sometimes I hear it when it happens...like if I'm sitting inside with the door open...the sound of some kind of liquid running off and hitting the ground below... I try not to even look over there ever. Today, when I glanced over there, though, I noticed that her balcony was really clear of dog poop. It was nice. I wonder if she's moving or something...cleaning up the unit so she can get her deposit back. I'll conclude this blog post here. There is a lot more I could say though.
The biting worry over work is very palpable on this Saturday morning. I had planned to wake up and get my brains going and do lots of work. I might just worry about work instead. This will free up time over the weekend for blogging and roaming. There is not enough room in my schedule to worry about work AND make a plan for the weekend. So there will be just work worry and spontaneous actions, whatever those might be. I could drive up the street this afternoon and get a little loaded and blab at whoever. I'll text everyone I can think of and see if someone in town will join me...somewhere. As the weekend progresses, the worry over work will gradually subside...until about 4pm Sunday. Then it will begin to peak again. Monday morning I will stress hard. I really am not that much of a worker. I obsess about work a lot, but I don't do all that much work.

Friday

Today I would have had to say a sad goodbye (I swear: my life is not complete sadness lately, ha!) But yes, I would have had to say goodbye to someone I have mixed (and intense) feelings about. So what did I do? I avoided it. I went home sick. This person became an angry second mom to me, kind of. I learned soooo much from the person, more than I could ever describe. The learnin came with a price though...or maybe the price was actually a different type of learnin...toughness training. Tough love or something. Deep down, I'm sure the person thinks I'm an idiot...and the person is right. I think the person might think I'm improving though...I hope they think that. I didn't always understand the harsh. I guess it serves a purpose. To a point. I've gotten a lot tougher and a lot thicker skin dealing with this person, I think. I have learned more from this person than I ever would have in stupid college courses, that's for goddam sure. The person had many many moments where it seemed like they cared a great deal about my wellbeing. The person has a free attitude with know-how...not at all insecure about telling what they know, because what they know is constantly growing. It's not the body of knowledge you'd have to gain to keep toe to toe with this person, it is the pace of learning. Anyway, I left when the person wasn't around...so I didn't say or do something embarrassing (except that I did, sort of, anyway, to other people, when announcing that I was leaving)...but/plus...I'm feeling a little 'sick' or something. Again, it's not all sadness with me lately, just little fires here and there in the big big field, smoldering stuff. There's a lot that's terrific too! Really, there is no limit to the possibilities. If I had to calculate the possibilities or say it was a roll of the dice, it would be a roll of this many dice:

I beeped at somebody just now at a stoplight. The light was green, and the person was just sitting there in front of me. "Get off the road, clown," I muttered. Then it occurred to me: This might be an actual clown. She just needed a few extra seconds to adjust her big red nose. And I'm back here beeping at her all harsh.

Wednesday

I did it again. I got too attached to somebody. I got attached, even though there were many warning signs. Among those warning signs were the person's own words of warning: literal and clear.

This is my pattern. I don't know if I want to break this pattern though. I mean: I should probably break the pattern. But, I don't want to be cynical. I mean: I love being cynical. But, I love my own brand of cynical.

I'm clunkin around between spiritual crap and pure heart (as stupid as that sounds and I don't care)...clunkin like a dryer full of auto parts. That sting is real. It's crazy and stupid and I wish I could include my usual thought component: I don't care. I have liquor. I have youtubes fulla videos about presence and awareness and all that shit. I have a tender loving cat. I have a phone full of confusing text messages from various. I got projects going into production and a big happy hour coming. I have nature trails and race tracks.
As a smartness test, I am keeping my mouse right next to the laptop on my desk. The mouse is not hooked to the laptop. I am going to see how many times I try to use the mouse, forgetting that it is not connected to the laptop.

A really super smart guy I know took some time to talk with me. I usually feel intimidated when I talk to him...even though he is one of the nicest people I have ever met (niceness, another facet in this multifaceted dude...whenever he gets to talking about some experience of his, he seems more and more like ...damnnear perfect).

Anyway, we were talking, and I don't know how much dumber than him I am...or if I am that much dumber...or if I'm dumb, but improving or ....what...but it seemed like he had to struggle to respond to the things I was saying...like he had to bring himself down quite a few notches to be able to have talkies with me.

How many conversations are like that? I don't just mean ones where there are varying degrees of smarts. I mean conversations where the people are talking, each person is saying stuff, but where the speakers are saying really incompatible things, but they're just sharing a space of interaction because ...just because they want to. Why do they want to? What are their motives? Does it really matter that their conversation is not building neatly, empirically towards a greater subject? Or is the thing that matters this: that they want to want to talk to each other . . . What good will their conversation do anyway, will they solve some major problem? Or are they talking just to be talking, just to give time to each other. Even if you are not making the same points as the other or you're not making points toward the same premise or theory or hypothesis or whatever...even if the things you say don't exactly hit on the point that the other is making, they are hearing what you are saying, and taking it in, and you are hearing what they are saying and taking it in...like out of respect or caring or because they feel for each other enough respect or something just to let em have their turn to talk so you can listen. Maybe if you're not speaking precisely to each other's points, but each speaker is going further out from the point the other is making - maybe you cover a broader area! Maybe the looser the talk, the more ground you cover, the longer strides you make.

Tuesday

Some representatives from management were out in the next room discussing college football, and their excitement steadily escalated. Soon they were talking, raving, about their kids... and then they spoke of their own experiences in sports. They were talking about big hits and speed and feats of crazy strength...and terrible injury and altercation. I never reached a level these guys did, but their talking got me distracted...it got me thinking about intense moments from my ridiculous and punishing bush league/pickup whatever whatever sports games that I may or may not have already blogged about:

  • The time I smashed into a guy while playing rugby. I was sprinting straight at him, and we connected, and I heard a snap as my shoulder ploughed into his ribs. The first time I ever played rugby, like the first series of the first game, I got in a scrum or whatever and got churned up and spit to the ground on my face, and a guy stomped on my back with metal spikes as he ran away with the ball.


  • Playing pickup football on the quadrant, I came flying across this guy's path and lunged in for the tackle...he cut away at the very worst possible moment, trying to juke me, and I connected lower than intended, my shoulder impacted the side of his knee sending him into a somersault...and he hit the ground screaming.


  • This kid, Sean Garfield: he had the biggest head in all of highschool football. The coach had to specially order a helmet for him. He was Virginia benchpress state champion. Sean transferred to our highschool and went out for football after the season had already begun. The first day he came to practice, he hit me so hard, he lifted me off my feet, and I came down like a ballerina huffing ether, somehow still on my feet, but i was only on my feet long enough to take a few steps and fall down, and I sat up and saw birds chirping all around my field of vision just like a cartoon.


  • I got elbowed in the temple by a goalie while jumping for a ball in front of his goal. It was a concussion, and I was unconscious for thirty seconds. I woke up and started running back to where the flow of the game was, but I was offsides, and incurred a penalty.


  • A soccer game turned into a fight, but really it turned into a simple wrestling match, and I caught the guy in a front headlock, and let him wear himself out a few moments.


  • One time, after football practice, this kid grabbed me by the hair and kneed me in the face repeatedly. (We were fightin.)


  • I was playing rugby, and I had the ball, and I saw an inevitable terrible hit coming, from a guy nicknamed Iron Head. I was like, fuckit, this guy is going to dishrag me, so I just sprinted straight at him, out of curiousity. I aimed my shoulder right at the center of his gigantic body and picked up speed. People were yelling "Lunch him, Iron Head!" We collided hard. Neither of us fell. I kind of careened off of his chest and zoomed out of bounds slamming into the guys that were cheering for him.


  • One time our tight end was hauling ass, looking back for the quarterback to throw to him. There was a referee right in his path, and the ref was watching the quarterback too, I guess, or he couldn't get out of the way quick enough, and our tight end slammed right into him, in the center of his chest, and the ref had a heart attach right on the field.


  • Crazy ass shit. I'm glad that nowadays, the only real exercise I get, is going for walks.
  • Friday

  • I put off work items until the weekend thinking, Oh, I'll just do that over the weekend,thinking....I'll have more time because nobody will be calling and I can just go at my own pace....blah blah...but! But: You still get snagged on problems that can take a long time to figure out...you still need breaks (more so, at home, where the distractions are infinte (and there's a pool!))...plus, yeah: having two monitors makes seeing all I need to see much easier...I've gotten used to working and thinking in a certain way: with TWO GIGANTIC MONITORS BLOCKING OUT EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD - - SHOWING ONLY THOSE TABLES AND COLUMNS OF WONDERFUL DATA It's dorky, but this is a major shift in my way of seeing my world.







  • I had an Awkward Doctor Visit. I went in there with an assortment of concerns. And I spazzed out a little because I think one of my concerns is my stress level. Shit. I probably would have cried, if the nurse practitioner had not have ushered me out to the front desk for check out.







  • Some people have to ignore you as a part of their job. Well. That is not a part of their job, but it is essential to their job. It's essential to their timetable. A few examples of this are: 1)Wait Staff, 2)Doctor Office Receptions Staff, 3)Desktop Guys in your company....there are many examples. Maybe every job has this element.







  • I can't get cool. I have the air conditioning way down. I woke up from a nap a little while ago sweating like a pig and I underestimated the amount of lemonade I had, horribly. It is freezing inside the office, but when you step outside it is "96 degrees in the shade:







  • I have designated the following song as: "It's time to brush the cat song" ...and when this song comes on, the cat knows to come get brush, and she dances and meows with glee:

  • Change in Speak by De La Soul on Grooveshark
  • Making the most of it.
  • So much reading to do!
  • Sunday I might see live music outside...if there is not a terrifying lightning storm like the one today. I saw these amazing lightning strikes right out my window, and I was saying, "Woah!" before the thunder sound arrived at anybody's ears.
  • I have an ice pack on my eye, but I wish I had a full-body sized ice pack I could apply.
  • Tuesday

  • I can't think of anything bad, like truly bad, that anybody has ever done to me at the moment. Now that I've begun this statement, I am going to try to focus on the words appearing on the screen as I type them to see if I can complete this sentence without thinking of anything bad that anybody has done to me. Done, did it, success.


  • A cool cool longterm bloggin buddy from back when I blogged a lot more...and blogged a lot more crazy...popped up on twitter today and it was cool cool cool


  • Lack of sleep don't mean nothing.


  • Good moods get annoying after a while.


  • The cool weather is finally getting here, little by little, and I'll be able to emerge from the air conditioning for more than just to go back and forth to the air conditioning in my car.


  • I'll be coming out of a 'serious deadline' situation just in time for REALLY beautiful weather.


  • Shit, sorry, can't help this good mood, dammit.


  • Here's a negative thing I can mention to rescue this post from the feel good: I'm going to
    the DOCTOR Thursday. (routine stuff, though, really)


  • Here's a sad thing: People around me, who I have grown fond of: dropping out of my world.



  • "Why are you worried about being in a good mood," you may be wondering.



  • I don't know.